venerdì 6 marzo 2009

Conatus sese conservandi

E' da poco passata mezzanotte e vorrei dormire. Invece sono sul letto con gli occhi sgranati e una nuova, spietata e accanita crisi di emicrania. Con la mia quasi giornaliera dose di indometacina, mi immergo tra le lenzuola appena cambiate, con la gatta in fondo al letto che ulula invece che miagolare, quasi per rimproverarmi di averla lasciata sola da stamani. Domani andrò di nuovo in macchina, consapevole di non farcela ad alzarmi alle sei per prendere il treno e già mi chiedo come farò a fare lezione con questo peso sulla testa che da giorni sembra non volermi lasciare tranquilla. Eppure, nonostante la mia cefalea, di nuovo impietosa e feroce, la giornata di oggi segna un piccolo progresso. Riesco a concentrami sulle cose che mi fanno stare bene, che mi fanno sorridere, e cerco di sfoltire quel grumo ispessito di dolori e preoccupazioni che sono stata capace di aggiungere alla sofferenza per la morte di mia madre. Mi sono concessa un salutare raccoglimento in una stanza di biblioteca, per recuperare le forze e la concentrazione, mi sono lasciata andare a una confidenza inedita con una alunna che risarcisce i miei sacrifici e ripaga il mio impegno, mi sono abbandonata ad una cena abbondante e annaffiata da un ottimo vino in spassosa compagnia, mi sono goduta il viaggio di ritorno da Grosseto in piacevole solitudine, in preda ai miei mille pensieri. Oggi sono stata brava: se dovessi fare la “profe”, come mi apostrofano i miei ragazzi, mi concederei un bel “sette e mezzo”. Oggi ho capito che questo sforzo di tenere lontani i troppi pensieri, le arrabbiature, le attese e le domande è solo la ricerca di sopravvivere e di staccare la spina da anni di acuti dolori e violenti dispiaceri e mi sono finalmente persuasa che davvero non ha senso trovarsi imbrigliata in mille reti, avviluppata da nuove preoccupazioni, scovate con sorprendente abilità, stanate da un tempo ormai evaporatosi in piacevoli ricordi. Non sarà quel “conatus sese conservandi” di cui parlava il buon Spinoza, quell'istinto alla conservazione del proprio essere e alla salvaguardia di sé? Spero proprio che le riflessioni di questi giorni, generatrici di sofferte decisioni, inaugurino un nuovo amore per la mia anima, un istinto alla protezione che non posso chiedere agli altri se non a me stessa, una ricerca di riparo da preoccupazioni superflue che devo alla Barbara di oggi, già così appesantita. Stasera vorrei vomitare dal dolore per questa emicrania, ma non ce la faccio. Buonanotte a tutti.

"Rimanere così, annaspare nel niente
custodire i ricordi, carezzare le età
è uno stallo o un rifiuto crudele e incosciente
del diritto alla felicità
Se ci sei cosa sei? cosa pensi e perchè?
Non lo so, non lo sai, siamo qui o lontani?
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51 commenti:

Bruno ha detto...

sarebbe bello avere un interruttore per bypassare i pensieri che possono influenzare negativamente ...... non è facile reagire ma penso che tutto aiuti....

Prisma "TBFKA MusEum" ha detto...

Sono arrivata alla stessa conclusione anch'io, un paio di giorni fa, mentre passeggiavo sulla spiaggia... Dolori lancinanti allo stomaco, finchè non ho potuto più camminare.
Seduta sui sacchi di sabbia ad aspettare il tramonto, tentavo di scacciare le negatività dal mio corpo, ma era l'anima che gridava il suo dolore.
E mi sono detta: possibile che io sia arrivata a causarmi tutto questo?

E allora mi unisco a te in questa speranza:

Spero proprio che le riflessioni di questi giorni, generatrici di sofferte decisioni, inaugurino un nuovo amore per la mia anima, un istinto alla protezione che non posso chiedere agli altri se non a me stessa.

Ti mando un abbraccio sincero.

fabio r. ha detto...

io e le mie emicranie ormai viviamo in simbiosi, non ci allontaniamo mai tanto. ogni tanto ci cerchiamo addirittura...
vivo di cibo, acqua e moment...

da un po' di tempo penso che il mio corpo stia per darmi lo sfratto, mi sento un po' Cataro... forse dovrò scindermi dal tutto.

Vale ha detto...

per te e Bruno: quell'interruttore per bypassare i pensieri io ce l'ho, l'ho sempre avuto...

ma non è una cosa tanto positiva, sapete? perchè tu i pensieri li chiudi come un rubinetto ma poi arriva sempre la volta che escono tutti insieme con la forza di una esplosione, e allora era meglio averci 'pensato' prima...

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Scusa, non sei laureata e insegni storia e filosofia? Ci son tantissimi laureati, con specialistica, che stanno a casa e che se sapessero che c'è qualcuno che insegna e guadagna senza laurea, lo prenderebbero come minimo per capelli. :D Senza offesa, ma è così. Alla prossima!

Barbara ha detto...

Per tutti:
oggi ho trovato l'interruttore per bypassare i pensieri, è una giornata bellissima, piena di sole, qua c'è un mare stupendo...mi godo proprio la mia città con una bella passeggiata e poi me ne scappo a Pisa a cena da amiche. Che dite? Buon fine settimana anche a voi! Un abbraccio
per DarkHaem: dove lo hai letto che sono senza laurea? Veramente dopo la laurea in filosofia ho fatto anche un dottorato di ricerca e sono abilitata all'insegnamento dopo due anni di corso di specializzazione. Credo di avere tutte le carte in regola per insegnare, anzi....Passerò a trovarti....a presto

darkHaem ha detto...

Ah scusami allora, ho letto dalla tua biografia che hai lasciato l'uni e hai accettato un contratto temporaneo... Non ti preoccupare, non ho capito bene io, meno male che mi hai tolto il dubbio. Comunque, non so se Criminologia possa essere collocata nella cerchia delle discipline umanistiche. Se così fosse, vorrà dire che faticherò anche io al fine di trovare un buon lavoro? Grazie per essere passata, buon insegnamento!

Anonimo ha detto...

Sono ormai anni che faccio pratica di bypass,riesco a filtrare e a tenere fuori quasi tutto ciò che possa danneggiare quella poca stabilità emotiva raggiunta,l'interruttore è dentro di noi, nell'egoismo di sopravvivenza di fronte a ciò che ci ha danneggiato in passato e che può farlo di nuovo. Ma non ci sono ancora riuscito fino in fondo, è dura essere dei muri. Vivere edoctus, uni vive tibi, tibi morieris. (Seneca)

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Hi Fellow Forumites

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this is a laugh for you from me : Multitasking means screwing up several things at once. :


Lol!

Anybody into Car Racing


Looking forward to a good long stay here!

Illinois,Elmwood

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